Unknowingness

Hey there

Today, I want to write about not knowing and still acting 🙂

For 10 days I’m now without a job, I still get some money for overtime compensation but I’m not working anymore and for me it feels like being without a job.  Absolute freedom, no responsibilities, no pressing money issues. It sounds perfect, right?

It is – almost.

Especially, if you don’t have a plan (at all)….

For the past ten days, I got up late, watched a lot of Netflix and went to bed early because I was bored. If it was summer, I would go cycling and hiking, exploring the surroundings (maybe) but since it is January, rainy and windy, I’m just not motivated for anything at all, not even the stuff I used to do indoors (go swimming, try new recipes, go to the pub,….).

Although I did finish two online courses last week and prepared my tax declaration for 2017, compared to what I could do, I did close to nothing.

When people ask me what I’m about to do with my life, luckily, I have two stories in my bag:

• travel the world
• become self-employed (and then maybe travel the world)

More details I have to make up on the fly. Both stories somehow sound fake to me but they are easier to tell than saying „I follow my heart and my instincts – and I don’t have a clue at all“ 😀 although this is kind of my plan – which contradicts itself already, unless „having no a plan“ is a plan after all.

I could become self-employed and travel the world and I’m also gathering information about what I have to do to become self-employed, I’m checking outs room where I could put my furniture if I would like to leave – but it just doesn’t feel right.

At the same time when my freedom started, also my myoma which accompanies me for the past 3-4 years, started to grow pretty fast. It grew so much that it is now bothering the bladder. During the last 10 days,  I sometimes was woken up at 4:30 AM in bad pain because my bladder was full and even after going to the bathroom, it took a while before the pain vanished. Maybe another reason why my motivation was not on the highest level.

On Monday, I went to my gynecologist (again) and she told me that the myoma had grown quite a bit during the last month. The only available options to get rid of the myoma and the pain would be taking hormones for the next 6 months and hope that the myoma would shrink – or a surgery. There is a third non-hormonal, non-invasive option, which is called „focused ultrasound“, but this treatment would not be paid by my health insurance because it seems to be too new, too bad.

Since the myoma is in a perfect spot, it would only be a small surgery requiring around three days in hospital. I also asked around some female friends and everybody was discouraging me about the hormones and was in favor for the surgery. So quite an easy decision you would think – but it just doesn’t feel right.

So, I tortured myself the whole day yesterday for a decision and last night I did some research online for natural ways to shrink myoma and surprisingly they are there, mostly consisting of healthy nutrition and exercise  – which of course nobody tells you because they are probably not examined and proven to be effective by clinical studies.

But since there is no immediate danger (myoma are almost always benign) and it’s only about my own pain, I decided to give it a shot before I go under the knife.

It also hit me this morning that I could also perceive the myoma as huge kick in the pants to get up and to do the stuff I actually wanted to do as soon as I’m finished with my job.
I always thought, when I have lots of free time I would do sooooooooooooooo much sports which just didn’t happen up to today.
So what I want to do is, take the myoma as a reminder and motivation to get going.

Today, I already cycled to a farm nearby, got some organic fresh vegetables and some basal tea which should help to balance my body. Of course, alcohol, sugar, dairy products and meat are now on my „To NOT Do“ list.

And I’m also developing a plan (!!) – everyone who knows me, knows that me developing or having a plan is a rare occasion 😀

The plan for the next two weeks is to:

• regularly meditate -> to get a good connection to my inner voice
• also go back to the Wim Hof method more regularly (breathing and cold showers) -> improve the immune system
• do visualisations to minimize the myoma
• stop worrying about what is going to be -> be OK with „not knowing“
• to more exercise / or do acitivities in general
• buy, cook and eat more conscious
• reduce watching TV (a lot)
• start going outside more often (no matter which weather it is) -> also an opportunity to improve my „photographer abilities“
• start writing down my developments daily to see how I’m doing